Dare to disagree


Owl and rabbit have a friendly disagreement

We both know you should read this. No discussion there, right?

Well sure, if you’re a professional rebel and delight in disagreeing with everyone all the time, you might skip this and probably already redirected your attention to a funny dog video with only 1 view.

Most of us have those moments where we had a different opinion, chose not to share it and felt bad about that. Maybe this happens to you regularly, you might even be in the habit of agreeing, regardless of your own opinion.

You can change that. It’s very well possible to express your conflicting opinion and feel calm and good about it. There’s lots to say about HOW to disagree effectively. However, before improving that skill, you’ll need the courage to start your journey of disagreement first.

Having the courage to disagree will make it easier to stand up for yourself, say no, thrive in the workplace or in your relationship and ultimately to shine as a conspiracy theorist or reality TV show contestant. Also, by being comfortable at disagreeing, you actually improve someone else’s interactions with you. Most people prefer an honest response and might feel that you are withholding if you agree with everything.

Accept your current level

So you have a hard time disagreeing with others. For example, you cringe when you hear someone express a ludicrous opinion, state an incorrect fact or suggest that team building day this year is spent doing a competitive whistling workshop. These things happen all the time. Ever heard someone in the office make an offhand sexist joke? Did you do the fake laughing thing? Did you pretend-read the pretend-email that you suddenly pretend-received? Or did you say: “Wow, I don’t think that’s funny, Bob. I think it’s pretty sexist to say that.”

It’s important to realize that it’s okay if you often keep your mouth shut. You are allowed to want to improve at something and be bad at it at the same time. The former is what counts. Daring to disagree is a skill and if you don’t master it, you can forgive yourself for that. I don’t beat myself up over missing the target the first time I ever shot an arrow: I had zero archery skill and my arrow didn’t strike any of the farm animals in the vicinity.

So it’s okay. Now, having zero skill is not an excuse to keep it that way. If you feel uncomfortable not expressing your conflicting opinion, you can start working on it right now.

Spark your confidence

If you’re used to burying your inharmonious ideas, it might not work for you to activate full disagreement mode all of a sudden. Don’t dive in head first, start by dipping your toes. Find a way to experiment with disagreeing in a safe environment.

Let’s say you never disagree, that you lack the courage to go against someone else. Do you believe you could find the courage to at least express your disagreement in a simulated situation? Sure, it could seem silly, but it’s absolutely achievable.

Tell a trusted friend or family member about your objective and set up some practice time with them. Find an innocent subject that both of you don’t feel too passionate about, keeping the energy of conflict low. You can start at the beginner level, where you ask them to acknowledge your opinion. For example:

Friend: That rain yesterday was so lovely. It was nurturing and cleansing.
You: Actually, I really hated it. I was out when it started pouring, got mistaken for a wet alpaca and I was cold and drenched when I got home.
Friend: I did not realize that, I see how it was a totally different experience for you.

Or:

Friend: Sheep are really dumb. They can’t even think for themselves and just follow the group.
You: Hmm, I disagree. I think their herd behavior is a smart choice given the possible presence of predators.
Friend: I never thought of that, interesting!

Odds are, you are perfectly capable of this. Once you feel comfortable enough at this beginner level, you can gently increase the difficulty of the practice situations.

You could keep the secure environment and practice partner, but move to a subject they actually are passionate about. Next, you could move on to disagreeing with someone else that you feel a bit less comfortable with. I can see that you wouldn’t want to start with your regular delivery person since you don’t want to receive your next fragile delivery ‘extra shaken’. Try a relatively safe disagreement with the Starbucks employee when they give you your cup with your name on it: “By the way, you misspelled my name. It’s Quinnnn with four N’s.”

Keep moving up in difficulty when you feel confident at the current level. You’ll surprise yourself.

On the other hand, if you’re already an Intermediate Disagreer, identify the types of situations that you still struggle with and find ways to practice those. Once again, create practice situations with lower stakes first, where it’s easier to disagree without feeling too much discomfort.

Once you experience that you dare to disagree in certain situations, you’ll gain more confidence. That confidence in turn will give you some extra courage to dare to disagree bigger and more often. Like with learning to ski, you’ll gradually increase your level of courage.

And if you think I’m off the mark here, do let me know.


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