Believe me, this is a post you’ll remember. Especially if anyone ever promised you something and didn’t follow through. Think for a second to find some clarity about this: when someone makes you a promise, what meaning do you assign to that?
For instance, do you expect that the promised thing will happen with 100% certainty? Do you feel that you obtained the right to the promised outcome? Does your trust of the person increase because of the promise? Do you feel reassured? Does it make you feel powerful? Did you acquire the right to reprimand, criticize or even punish the promisor upon their failure to deliver?
Next, ask yourself if the meaning you identified is helpful to you. Does it benefit you, both when the promise is fulfilled and when it is not?
Negative impact
Many possible meanings here can actually be very limiting or harmful to us. Expecting a promise to always be held sets you up for at least regular disappointment. Before the promise you were fine; after the promise you might feel insulted, ignored, distrustful, disempowered, demotivated and much more.
Having high expectations of a promise can also be a lot of work. You may want to check the quality of the promise as if it were a legal contract.
- How specific was the promise? “I’ll get back to you on that!”
- Was it an actual promise, or did you feel it was implied? “I can totally get you free booze tonight!”
- What else makes it uncertain?
If a high-expectation promise is broken, you might want to work out how to deal with the promisor:
- talk to them about how disappointed you are;
- try to get them to comply after all;
- arrange a medieval flogging;
- ghost the crap out of them.
- retaliate by promising them a delicious pizza and then personally deliver them a Pizza Hawaii while musically suggesting you are never gonna give them up, let them down…
Deflate your expectations
Nip all this in the bud by changing your view on promises. Redefine what it means to you when someone promises you something. By now, life must have demonstrated that promises are easily given, but give you no guarantees and will regularly be broken.
Choose a new definition that holds no attachment to the outcome of the promise that someone makes you. Some alternative definitions:
- a good intention
- a brave attempt
- a pipe dream
- an open-ended story
- a lie
- a possible outcome
- deluded planning
- a suggestion
- a co-op mission
Find a personal definition that makes you feel lighter about any received promises, even if they are broken. If you inject more uncertainty, curiosity and humility into the meaning of a promise, you’ll set yourself up for adventure.
So next time Jack promises you he’ll send you that draft by Friday, tell yourself: “Let’s see what happens. Will I have the report this Friday, will I have it today, will he send it a week late, will he send a fluffy pony instead or will he disappear altogether?”
Who knows? Anything can happen. Even someone who has a 100% score of keeping their promises to you may fall ill, get abducted by aliens who feed on promises or simply forget because they are overwhelmed with shit that totally outweighs your little request.
Of course you can apply two completely different definitions to promises you receive and promises you make. You can aim to be rock solid in promising and delivering to others, while receiving every promise with an open mind and the tiniest possibility of near-future pony ownership.
So what do you think, will my promise in the first sentence hold? If you permanently forget all about this post at any point, feel free to contact me to get fully compensated for that loss. But was it really a promise…?